Conversions
• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
• 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knot-furlong
• 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling
= 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurts
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
• A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale Univ.
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
• 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Friday, March 9, 2007
Short and Sweet
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The Superbowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.” Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl .. the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "Nope, they're all at the funeral."
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.” Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl .. the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "Nope, they're all at the funeral."
First Time Sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
BBQ Etiquette
BBQ Season Etiquette
It’s almost BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put
in motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning. He thanks her
and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
It’s almost BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put
in motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning. He thanks her
and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
The South will rise again!
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.
Georgia
A man in Georgia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone retiring to the North!
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.
Georgia
A man in Georgia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone retiring to the North!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)