Conversions
• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond
• 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knot-furlong
• 365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling
= 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurts
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
• A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2 wharves = 1 paradox
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale Univ.
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
• 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Friday, March 9, 2007
Short and Sweet
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The Superbowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.” Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl .. the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "Nope, they're all at the funeral."
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.” Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl .. the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "Nope, they're all at the funeral."
First Time Sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
BBQ Etiquette
BBQ Season Etiquette
It’s almost BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put
in motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning. He thanks her
and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
It’s almost BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it’s the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put
in motion:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning. He thanks her
and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off” and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
The South will rise again!
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.
Georgia
A man in Georgia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone retiring to the North!
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into
his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the
successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the
deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in
the rest of the civilized world.
Georgia
A man in Georgia had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone retiring to the North!
Fishing
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she hadendured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, thetherapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife tostand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Oops!
To my darling husband,Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you willforgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Winning the lottery.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into thehouse. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountainstuff?""Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
Why men pee standing up - From FunToosh.com
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! it seems just the sort of thing a Man should have. Please! pleease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. so God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What is it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains!" said God.
He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! it seems just the sort of thing a Man should have. Please! pleease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. so God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What is it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains!" said God.
Italian Speak - From Joke Of The Day
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Too Smart - From Joke Of The Day
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
The four ghosts of the White House - From Joke Of the Day
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...
Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
DUI
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Welcome to LaughGab - A blog of jokes, and comedy
We all love to laugh, so why not laugh together? This blog hopes to become a culmination of jokes, sarcasm, and funny personal stories and experiences. This site is a community site so feel free to leave comments about any article. If you'd like to contribute as an author or just want to send us a joke, sarcasm, or funny story, email us at MarcsBlogs@Gmail.com with the subject of LaughGab contributor.
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